Reprinted for the benefit of my fan, the following is a transcript from my appearance on the debut episode of my roommate Ankur’s talk show. Ankur wanted to start the series by interviewing a rising comedy star. He decided to interview me when he couldn’t find one.
Ankur: Hey everyone, welcome to the show, I’m Ankur Taxali. Our guest tonight is a fledging comedian hailing from
. You might know him from his numerous appearances in this very apartment, which he also happens to live in. Andy thanks for being here. Toronto
Andy: Thanks for having me Ankur
Ankur: Andy, before we got on the air, you were telling me that you ran out of pot this morning
Andy: I sure did
Ankur: Tell us a little about that
Andy: Well I woke up, turned and reached for my bong. I like to keep my bong next to me when I’m sleeping, mostly for comfort. It’s like a security blanket you can smoke out of. So I reach over and grab the thing, (By the way I’m still referring to the bong) so I reach over and grab the thing- and its empty. So I immediately get my phone, and look under the emergency contacts list, where I keep all my dealers phone numbers.
Ankur: Really? Can you give me the names of these dealers, and their availabilities?
Andy: Availabilities I actually have problems with myself. No one was able to help me out that morning. I wanted to call my friend Ricky. He’s been pretty reliable. But I forgot he’s been in prison since May.
Ankur: That’s a shame
Andy: Yeah, my list must be outdated. I called my friend Steve, and he’s been dead since May. Its too bad Ricky had to kill him like that.
Ankur: Did you call anyone else?
Andy: Sure. I tried calling my friend Vince, but he was preoccupied at work. Vince could never multi-task. He’s the type of person that puts 100% into everything he does. And from what he tells me putting together a big mac isn’t easy.
Ankur: I’m sure you called others. I mean how hard can it be to find pot in the city?
Andy: You would think right? But I was having the damndest time. I called my friend Rubin, but he was in confessional. After that, I called father Tim.
Ankur: The priest?
Andy: Yup. When I was on the phone with Rubin, he told me to give Father Tim a call. I didn’t wanna bother Father Tim, but Rubin told me he wouldn’t mind resting his voice while we made a deal. By the way, I shouldn’t be telling you this but Rubin has severe sexual problems.
Andy: Yeah, he can only masturbate between the hours of and . It ruins most days for him.
Ankur: Is that the reason he can’t get a job?
Andy: No, but it’s the reason he can’t keep one.
Ankur: Back to the priest, did he have anything to sell?
Andy: No, but he told me he knows an altar boy who keeps blow up his ass. He found out when the boy used it as an excuse one night.
Ankur: You’re not into that sort of stuff are you?
Andy: Fuck no! What do I walk funny or something?
Ankur: I was talking about blow
Andy: So was I! That stuff makes you crazy. For the record I avoid gay sex whenever possible.
Ankur: So did you end up getting any weed?
Andy: Well, there was this one girl I know that deals. But it would’ve been awkward. We had a thing once.
Andy: Yeah, we had this thing where I would call and she would say ‘no’ to me.
Ankur: So you didn’t call her?
Andy: Well, I tried to get on without pot for a while. I stood in front of my sink, and counted the drips from the faucet, I stared at the wall for a minute and then I curled up in a fetal position and trembled for a few hours. After that I figured I did all there was to do sober and I gave Tammy a call
Ankur: And Tammy was the girl you liked, who sold pot?
Andy: Yeah. I never knew why she sold pot, a girl as pretty as she was shouldn’t be working. She should get everything for free. As a matter of fact she does. In fact- She gets weed for free. I guess that’s why she sells it.
Ankur: I suppose its all profit.
Andy: Well she does have a lot of expenses. For a while she had a huge phone bill. I know because I used to call her constantly.
Andy: Yeah, she’s the whole reason I started smoking pot, before her I was straight edge.
Ankur: She was almost like your gateway drug.
Andy: Oh yeah. There was a period of time when I would call her up a few times a day to pick up a gram
Ankur: Really just a gram? Didn’t she find that odd?
Andy: She did. She always told me I should just buy a large quantity at once. But then I wouldn’t get to see her as often.
Ankur: So what did you do?
Andy: I kept buying the gram each time; I told her I liked collecting the little baggies.
Andy: Yeah, by the end of the year, I had so many little baggies I started selling pot.
Ankur: Oh really? How successful were you?
Andy: I broke even, I smoked all of it.
Ankur: Wait, if you smoked all of it, how were you able to break even?
Andy: It’s simple economics. I didn’t have to sell anything, I was constantly high, and I got to keep my baggies.
Ankur: When you explain it like that it makes perfect sense. –Why did you stop buying from her in the first place?
Andy: She changed her number. But I was able to get her new number from father Tim. He picked up from her yesterday. He needed pot after the disappointment with the kid who had the blow up his ass.
Ankur: So you called her and arranged a meeting?
Andy: Yup. We met in the park. I’m much sexier outdoors.
Ankur: Is that why you don’t date much during the winter?
Andy: Maybe, but I don’t date much during the summer either.
Ankur: So even though you’re there officially for pot, in the back of your mind you’d like to be with this girl
Andy: Oh yes.
Ankur: Did you try to woo her at all?
Andy: Definitely. A guy came by selling roses and I bought her one. He came by and complimented me on what a pretty girl I was with
Ankur: That was nice of him
Andy: Not really, I paid him to say that. Rubin needed the work. And I hired him after so I knew he’d have a clear head.
Ankur: Did the girl appreciate the gesture?
Andy: You mean the rose?
Andy: No, she said she didn’t have any use for a plant that couldn’t be smoked
Ankur: Well technically it can be smoked
Andy: That’s what I told her! I even loaded it into my pipe. Sure it doesn’t get you high, but the red pedals accented the wood finish on my pipe quite nicely.
Ankur: Forgive me for being too forward with this next question, but I must know- did you fuck this girl?
Andy: No… Apparently I’m not her type.
Ankur: What type does she like?
Andy: She said she likes masculine guys.
Ankur: Really? But you’re masculine.
Andy: I know! I told her that after I wiped my tears away.
Ankur: How pathetic! Well Andy it’s been great having you on again. Please come back soon
Andy: Sure thing! My room’s next door so we should do this again.