Thursday, February 2, 2012

Michelle Barker excerpt from 'Talking with Andy: The Conversations'


The following is an excerpt from the book ‘Talking with Andy: The Conversations’:

During my time shadowing Andy, he’s had few if any regular social contacts. However he does make time for an old Coworker Michelle Barker.  He is unusually candid with Michelle and especially vulgar. I got the impression he was going for shock value when she became increasingly disgusted by some of his remarks, which seemed to be mostly tongue in cheek, but difficult to tell due to Andy’s complete inability to take anything seriously.- Lawanda Singh


Andy: See I never tried to fuck you but if I tried im almost sure I could

Michelle: Oh my god that is in inappropriate! Who exactly do you think you are?

Andy: It’s because of my personality type, and I know what you’re attracted to, spaced out dudes like I am.

Michelle: I would never fall for someone who refers to himself as a ‘spaced out dude’

Andy: But see, I wouldn’t try to fuck you, because you know me being a slick swagged out fella like I am, you’d try and test my cool, like y’know try to emasculate me because you’re all intimidated by how bad you want that thang up in you and whatnot.

Michelle: I understood-none, of what you just said.

Andy: Fuck outta here, you Yelper[1] you know what I mean! You’re afraid to have anyone get too close to you.

Michelle: That is not true. (Thinks for a second) Yeah- I don’t know why I do that.

Andy: I dunno man, some kinda freaky shit happened to you, you get fisted or something?

Michelle: Why do keep thinking I’m a lesbian?

Andy: A guy could’ve done it, that woulda made it even worse- because he’d have all that extra power behind his punches, and I don’t think you’d want any butchier bitches because you’d wanna have some control in the relationship.

Michelle: I don’t mind being coddled. I can be nurtured by a larger woman

Andy: I don’t buy it, you’re the one wearing the plaid shirt in the relationship.

Michelle: What is up with you and lesbians.

Andy: They fascinate me, they’re so righteous in their anger.

Michelle: explain.

Andy: They seem to really be into what their into, outside of pussy too. I wish I had other interests

Michelle: Oooh. That’s so sad.. You’re very depressing right now. Hey do you know your lines yet? [2]

Andy: Naaaah I’ll just go in and be funny and you guys will just rewrite the script with my funny parts inside, oh by the way I want a writers credit.

Michelle: You’re impossible.

Andy: I may be impossible but the situation isn’t! Lets be real, I cant act a lick anything but like me, and I spout off the dome with hilarious shit on the regzies[3] Why cant we just go in there and wing it, you know fuck around?

Michelle: Actors like memorizing their lines and then saying them. I don’t think they’d appreciate you ruining that time honoured tradition.

Andy: Naaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah.

Michelle: No but seriously learn your lines.

Andy: Hey man, Carol[4] is single right?

Michelle: I think she’s got a boyfriend.

Andy: So?

Michelle: Then why did you ask if she was single?

Andy: It seemed like an appropriate question.

Michelle: True. You got a little thing for her?

Andy: I got a big thing for her (Rubs cock)

Michelle: Really? Are we that close?

Andy: I just need to emphasize how bad Im gonna put that thang on her.

Michelle: Would you please stop referring to your penis as a ‘thang’

Andy: Fine I’ll call it a ‘thing’. Look she’s getting dicked I tells ya! I mean look, most of those guy actors are either gay or might as well be gay based on their meterosexual swag activities, penciled in eyebrows and such.

Michelle: No one in the play has pencilled in eyebrows.

Andy: Maybe not, but they have pencilled in eyebrow mentality, I keeps my shit stupid thick and bushy. 70s porn vag swag.

Michelle: Charming.

Andy: I go in there, dick swinging swag sweat steaming off my forehead

Michelle: Ew.

Andy: And I charm her like I charm most people, I keep talking till she laughs, and when she does I Street Fighter Chung Li rapid kick jokes into her stomach till she falls in love with me, I fuck her in the back alley, and then through a series of mishaps and misunderstandings, I ruin the entire production of ‘Bitterness Island’

Michelle: ‘Eternal stings of Bitterness’

Andy: That too, I'll also ruin that.

Michelle: Have you planned this?

Andy: No, but I have tremendous foresight.

Michelle: Mmmhmmm…. You missed more than several steps when detailing this little prophecy, how would you hooking up with a cast member mess anything up? That happens all the time, im sure it already has.

Andy: You don’t get it Michelle. Im that dude. Bitches lose their mind when they meet me.

Michelle: Is this for real? Are you really being a person right now?

Andy: Look, look- what about that red headed girl with the fat tits.

Michelle: Gwen?

Andy: No no- Red headed girl with the really large bosoms.

Michelle: Yes- Gwen.

Andy: No I mean like- how do I put this- her hair was red and she had huge tits.

Michelle: GWEN!

Andy:… Her name’s Gwen?

Michelle: YES.

Andy: I called her Moira.

Michelle:-How could you possibly get Moira from Gwen?

Andy: She looked like a Moira.

Michelle: And what exactly does a Moira look like?

Andy: Big tits and red hair DUH.

Michelle: You’re the worst thing to ever happen to my life.

Andy: Oh come on you’ve fucked an ugly guy before, don’t put me at the top of that list.

Michelle: That doesn’t change the fact that you called dear Gwendolyn a name like Moira.

Andy: Yeah that explains why she had a screw face after I introduced myself to her.

Michelle: I cant blame her, you’re awful.

Andy: This could actually work in my favour, her ego is all bruised because I didn’t make an effort to remember her name. Im gonna lower her self esteem a bit then try and fuck her. I don’t usually do shit like that but she needs to learn a lesson about the dangers of an inflated ego. Who does she think she is? Thinking everyone knows her first name, this is acting not facebook.

Michelle: I don’t understand anything you’re saying right now.

The conversation goes on for one more hour centering on the correct usage of the word ‘whom’.


[1] Yelper is a play on Michelle’s last name ‘Barker’. Previously Andy used ‘Barker’ as a way to imply Michelle Barker enjoyed frequent bouts of anal sex whilst howling like a canine, later Andy grew tired of this joke, and instead changed it to ‘Yelper’ indicating she’d been fucked so long and so thoroughly that she was now tired, and what was once a healthy bark, has now deteriorated into a whistful lazy Lana Del Rayesque delivery when attempting to bark, coming out as more of a ‘yelp’ type sound.
[2] Michelle wrote a part for Andy in stage play entitled ‘Eternal stings of Bitterness’. The first rehearsal was to be the next day.
[3] An updated slang version of ‘on the regular’ that Andy continues to try and popularize.
[4] A girl cast in the Play Andy and Michelle are involved in, Andy thinks Carol might either be attracted or ‘weirded out’ by his appearance based on a facial quirk she made during a cast meeting. 

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