Tuesday, June 4, 2013

The Frailties of Ego: A three act play that was written as a webseries

Here's a series of little scripts I wrote for a planned webseries that never got off the ground. Shout out to everyone who was going to be involved originally, in some instances I've left your names in as a not so subtle tribute!  Also the character ANDY bears no relation to Andy Itwaru, as my ego is nowhere near that inflated, and he's probably some kind of chinese or something


Title credit appears: The Frailties of Ego
Fade into: Andy sitting on sofa 

Andy
Do you mind if I smoke in here?

Voice
(Off camera)Not really

Andy
Oh ok. I don’t smoke anyway but its good to know I can if I pick it up

Voice
ahaha *Sarcastic tone*
But really what’s wrong

Andy
Wrong?

Voice
Yes. Something must be up. You called me and told me you wanted to talk. You never call. You never want to talk.

Andy
I talk

Voice
Yes. But you never make formal overtures to get together and discuss anything, so clearly something is up.

Andy
Up?

Voice
Okay, please don’t be the riddler right now okay. Seriously.


Andy
First of all if I was the riddler I would have had a riddle for you, and second i'm horribly fucking depressed.

Voice
Oh... kay. Lets focus on the second part of that and maybe work backwards if we have time

Andy
Are you sure? Because Im game to hash out this riddler thing right now so everything's out in the open.

*There’s a long pause, Andy is clearly uncomfortable as he tries to get his head together.

Andy
I just... I dunno. Things seem to not matter lately. I dont wanna be all emo and wristcuttery but I just cant come up with a good enough reason to get out of bed most mornings if I dont already have to pee or something.

Voice
Well that’s aweful

Andy
I guess. Honestly Im kinda past that lately. It’s like I dont even feel anything anymore, and that kind of makes me feel bad, which I realize is actually some kind of feeling, so then I feel good for a minute, and then I realize I dont really give a shit and the cycle continues.

Voice
Are you trying to be the riddler again?

Andy
No, but if you can solve that riddle you’d be doing me a huge solid.

Voice
Why exactly do you think you feel this way? Like what could possibly bring this on?

Andy
I don’t know what exactly. I have several theories.

Voice
Like?

Andy
Well, Im twenty four

Voice
Okay

Andy
Thats kind of a big number

Voice
In dog years, yes.

Andy
Most people at twenty four are accomplishing things, living their lives establishing their dreams. And Im doing that, I guess. I mean- I really like my stand up act, I feel like its funny, audiences think its funny, it gets me laid at shows and at afterparties, but... I just... none of it’s real. It’s like I drift around all day either at work or at home, and I try to find ways to keep busy, and then I go to the show and I wait around and listen to the other comics talk shit about how someone’s a hack, or how someone got some kinda gig they dont deserve, or how women-only shows are unfair to transgendered comics, or whatever else they talk about before going on stage, and when i finally do get on stage its usually- what? Ten minutes on a showcase set, twenty five if I headline. And I kill, i usually kill because I know what im doing. Comedy isn’t really hard you know.

Voice
Oh?

Andy
No it isn’t. Comedians like to pretend that it’s hard to placate their inflated sense of self. They’re all a bunch of sociopaths who believe what they’re doing is somehow master craft, like it’s a difficult process. When in actuality all it is is saying silly shit in a particular cadence. That’s literally it, guys make careers of that.

Voice
But surely there’s more to it than that.

Andy
Not a whole lot. And anyone that tells you its not that’s a fucking liar. Like basically the hardest thing about comedy is having a joke bomb. And even that’s not that bad. OH MY GOD! A stranger doesn’t embrace my stupid ideas! BOO HOO get the fuck over it. Children are dying in Somalia or someplace and these cunts are bitching about knock knock jokes.

Voice
What about you?

Andy
What about me?

Voice
I know you think there’s more to you than just that.


Andy
Oh of course. My ego will not allow me to have my card in the same rolodex with those wack bitches. My shit’s the type you keep in your wallet un-creased.

Voice
But you said comedy isn’t important or isn’t master craft, so what exempts you?

Andy
Well I was born funny

Voice
*laughs
really?

Andy
Okay maybe not born funny, I was conditioned to be funny. Like- I was poor, like not super poor or anything, like we didn’t get canned foods from the drives or anything, but we were not what you’d call well off. My parents used to get my entire wardrobe from garage sales, so in like the year 2000 when I was twelve I was wearing shit that looked like it belonged in a new kids on the block video. If only I’d kept that shit till now it would’ve been vintage and I could’ve been hip. So that really made me popular with the other kids. the colors on that old FILA jumpsuit were so bright there was nowhere to hide when the name calling happened. So eventually you just self deprecate as a defense mechanism and thus my sense of humor continued its cultivation process. And plus I never gave a shit about sports. Like big whoop the local hockey group beats the other guys, who gives a shit? what did I get out of this deal? nothing! Same thing with gym class, they used to put me in net during everything, because I was a husky kid-which again, did wonders for my self esteem. But I would be really lax with letting people score on me, very french about the thing *bad french accent: they score they don’t score, in the end the game is played on us, no?’ but the other guys were very into these games, like they mattered or something and they could not for the life of them figure out why I didn’t care. So they didn’t let me in their little reindeer games at recess, which really did not bother me one bit, because I was busy making my own comic books in the side of the big portable. With lots of bad language and crudely drawn breasts.

Voice
Even back then you had to be grandiose

Andy
No fucking doubt. So I was a loner, always have been- but I was always funny, because I didn’t wanna be creepy sits in a corner and stares at the wall with a grimace type loner, I was more: say something funny, experience good will, walk away type loner.

Voice
Wait... go back to the crudely drawn breasts for a second.

Andy
Oh yeah. I guarantee you ANYONE that draws has stashes and stashes of pictures of naked ladies. I refuse to believe they dont. I mean, what else would a twelve year old draw?

Voice
I dunno, batman?

Andy
Batman? maybe a gay kid. Who wants to spend all that time on that muscle detailing and figuring out where the light lands under his nipple, FUCK THAT. like- sure I drew Batman, but that was after I drew at least forty pictures of naked girls. And then when I discovered internet pornography it opened the door creatively for what was possible in a filthy picture.

Voice
I dont want to know where this is going and yet I HAVE to know where this is going.

Andy
Well basically this is where dicks came into play

Voice
Ah

Andy
Well now, the cartoon girls I was drawing were getting impaled by these oversized cartoon cocks. I still remember the first dirty picture I drew, it was the pillsburry doughboy bouncing an anatomically impossible looking woman up and down his absurdly large member with a sound bubble coming from the girls mouth going ‘HEE HEE’

Voice
Wow. That explains alot, and yet leaves me with so many more questions.

Andy
I remember looking at this thing, and marvelling that I could concoct something this filthy. From a blank page to this perverse sex scene with a beloved pastry mascot. And I had to show this to someone, I just HAD to. I mean- how do you keep something like this to yourself?

Voice
Unthinkable!

Andy
So I show it to a few of my closest friends. And they’re looking at this thing like its the Rosetta stone. They cant believe they’re actually seeing it with their own eyes.

Voice
And then what happened?

Andy
They told all the girls at school I was a pervert, then asked me for more pictures!

Voice
THE NERVE!

Andy
I KNOW!!!
One kid even made requests, he wanted to see pokemon characters fucking, but not like the human characters, like he wanted bulbasaur to rape pikachu mid battle. And that’s where I draw the line, no forced bestiality, that’s not how I was raised, I do consensual cartoon sex!

Voice
That must’ve been really embarrassing, having the girls hear that about you.

Andy
It was. Like, really. Girls would tease me and call me a pervert at school, but again, in what is a constant in my life, humor saved my ass, because I was funny about it. Like I would tell the girls Id draw them getting fucked by Billy, the cross eyed kid with pimples. And no one wanted to fuck crossed eyed pimple Billy, so it was funny.

Voice
Maybe I had to be there.

Andy
But girls in private were really different with me. Like I remember this really popular girl in school, like she was on every team, had good grades, teachers loved her, developed early, your quintessential middle school crush material- who I didn’t even think about thinking about, because in my universe it was NEVER going to happen with this girl. But I still talked to her because I like walking up blind alleys, and I add her on msn.

Voice
MSN is so old I think i vaguely remember it and then forget it whilst trying to recollect the memory.

Andy
It was this instant message thing, and we were all on it, so she messages me one day and starts calling me a pervert

Voice
cyber bullying-not cool- I saw a movie on ytv about that.

Andy
So I just decide that, yknow what? fuck it, Im a pervert. and I tell her all the disgusting things I would do to her if I had her alone. and then she asks me what else I would do.

Voice
This would be a really hot story if the participants in it weren't twelve.

Andy
Or hotter depending on what you're into

Voice
Ewww

Andy
Who are we to judge

Voice
There’s no ‘We’ in this IM JUDGING!

Andy
But anyway we finish the conversation, and I just plain finish.

Voice
Ewwww

Andy
QUIET YOU! … anyway and then she goes ‘that was fun, we should have sex again’ So we do, at least online for like a year. And this whole time at school she acts like nothing's been happening. Like she never instructed me to shove parts of myself into her.

Voice
Behind the big portable no doubt

Andy
Well im nothing if not grandiose.

Andy
*Smiles
Of course.. that’s when I learned the most valuable lesson I’ve ever learned...
*Stares off wistfully

Voice
… and you won’t just tell me will you? you’re going to leave a dramatic pause before you tell me because you're essentially a fucking diva.

Andy
….. WOMEN...ARE FUCKING NUTS

Voice
Oh, well duh. That wasn’t worth that wait

Andy
It’s all in the delivery

Voice
Apparently.

Andy
You know what. I feel alot better.

Voice
See! Talking DOES help

Andy
Yeah sure, but I think im mostly feeling better because I think I can find that msn instant message girl on facebook.

Voice
You’re the worst

Andy
Hope she didn’t get fat.

Voice
The DIRT WORST!

FIN
*Voice was originally going to be Michelle Barker, but I excluded her name so she wouldn't be associated with such filth

Andy’s waiting outside of a coffee spot (probably a starbucks) chit chatting on a cellphone, massive coffee in hand gesturing wildly, animating his conversation

Andy
Insane, just fucking insane. I still haven't seen Rachel, I suppose I should text or something to see if she’s alive, but she’s a big girl and im sure she’ll be okay....
(Andy takes phone away from ear momentarily to address internet audience)
Hey gang, be with you in a sec, important phone call, you know how that is. Feel free to talk amongst yourselves!
(Andy puts phone back to ear, continues conversation)
What’s that? Right now? Im waiting for this girl...No, no I wish. Well at least if it was another girl, not this one, this one’s a fucking loon. Her pussy might as well be a klan rally cuz im never getting in it, id fear for my safety. She’s like one of those greenpeace bitches that get at you on the street when you're looking for a place to take a leak...

The girl Andy’s referring to, MANDIE walks up to him

Andy
(Still on the phone)
… Hold on, I think I see her. Yeah she’s right in front of me... yes, literally. I’ll talk to you later. Sure I’ll let you know what happens... No I wont. Yes...no... Yes I still have the ointment... effected areas, right. Okay bye, love you.

Mandie
Who was that?

Andy
Wrong number. How’re you!?

Mandie
GREAT!

Andy
GREAT!
Momentary awkward silence

Mandie
So...what’s new with you?

Andy
ooooooh ya know, drifting frivolously from one place to the next. Trying to avoid the inevitable malaise that is life.

Mandie
Gosh, that’s depressing. ‘inevitable malaise’ that’s kinda emo

Andy
Really? And here I thought I was being positive!

Mandie
Well you aren't!

Andy
I’ll take that into consideration. Sp Is that why you wanted to see me? critique my verbiage and lifestyle choices?

Mandie
Yes! And I haven’t seen you for a while. AND WE HAVEN’T HUGGED YET!

Andy
Oh! uh yeah.

Mandie opens her arms in the classic ‘hug me’ gesture.

Andy
So you’re gonna make me come to you?

Mandie
Bring it in!

Andy
...okay!

Andy tries going in, feels awkward, bails on the hug and instead puts his hand on her shoulder and gives her a nudge with his fist to her chin, like a father-son bonding moment.

Andy
OH YOU!

Mandie
Why can’t you hug me?

Andy
Im a bad hugger.

Mandie
I’ll be the judge of that
(Opens arms again)

Andy
No seriously, I dont know how to be physical with people im not trying to fuck or am fucking.

Mandie
is this like, one of your comedy jokes?

Andy
no, this is for realzies

Mandie
So then how do you hug your mother?

Andy
My mother?! What am I a fucking pervert!?

Mandie
Look, this may shock you, but not everything’s sexual. I can be affectionate with you without feeling anything for you physically

Andy
*laughs* Oh right, sure ya.

Mandie
What’s that supposed to mean?

Andy
Well, I mean cmon

Mandie
What?

Andy
Well I mean, you not feeling any kind of way about me physically, that’s kind of ridiculous

Mandie
Oh really?

Andy
Yes really

Mandie
I’m not attracted to you

Andy
Cmon

Mandie
I’m not

Andy
...cmon

Mandie
REALLY

Andy
look whatever, lets just not hug

Mandie
No- Im over that now, you think im attracted to you?

Andy
Well sure

Mandie
IM NOT

Andy
cmon

Mandie
I’m not! Maybe you thought that’s what this was, and you’re attracted to me and you wish I felt the same way about you.

Andy
Well! Aren’t we a smidge conceited! I’ll have you know before I got here I had a big plate of goat curry and I didn’t bother popping a mint in, if that doesn’t imply disinterest I don’t know what does.
all In know is you asked me to meet you, just the two of us. so... cmon

Mandie
Because I haven’t seen you in awhile

Andy
Yes, and we were always such good friends

Mandie
I know you’re being sarcastic right now, but yes I thought we were actually good friends.

Andy
SIGH, No honey, I was hanging around with one of your girlfriends, and we’d socialize at parties and such, that was all that was, that was all we were.But that doesn’t mean you weren't lovely to be around. (Andy looks at camera) She really wasn’t

Mandie
I CAN HEAR YOU! And hanging around? You were seeing each other! You were kind of a thing. You met her parents

Andy
I don’t know them old motherfuckers, I said hi and bye then I peaced out

Mandie
You spent a weekend at their home in Brampton!

Andy
Fuck- I thought that was a bed and breakfast! When they didn’t charge me anything I thought they were just nice!
But let’s not argue about whose parents I met, and who I cant remember. Why do you want to see me? If it’s not because you’re attracted to me, which by the way- I still don’t buy, This whole thing is probably just a scheme to give a status report to your little homegirl on how I’m doing, and I refuse to take part in any of those kinda shenanigans.

Mandie
No- I just wanted to see you.

Andy
Oh really? And you mean to tell me you aren’t going to run back and tell her what I’ve been up to and how I’m doing?


Mandie
Well it might come up, and so what? So what if I bring you up? Would that really be the worst thing that ever happened to you?

Andy
No, not if it was buried in conversation as a quick aside, like: ‘Oh I ran into Andy the other day, he looks nice, im kind of attracted to him- man this weather’s all over the place isn’t it?’ and so on and so forth, but I can almost guarantee the primary thing you two little chickens are gonna cluck about the next time you get together for martini’s or whatever other sex in the city inspired outing you have’ll be about me

Mandie
How egotistical can you be?

Andy
Oh I stretch the limits like elephant birth girl

Mandie
what does that even mean?-LOOK, first of all I’m not attracted to you

Andy
debateable

Mandie
… second, I’m not going to run off and report anything about you to anyone.

Andy
Oh is that right

Mandie
Yes.

Andy
Okay I’ll play along. so we’re just a couple a pals on the town pal-ing around then?

Mandie
YES... I cant get over that you think I’m attracted to you.

Andy
Well look, I’m not saying I’m that handsome, that’s not for me to judge, I’m not that vain, I just go by what people have been telling me all my life. but I do know I’m super charming and charismatic and my tongue stays on that slick tip

Mandie
Oh. My. God. WHO ARE YOU?

Andy
...me? My name is Andy, is you’re going to be in love with me you should know that! How else are you gonna write your name plus my name circled with a heart during english class?

Mandie
You are so full of yourself, It’s no wonder you and Karla never worked out

Andy
AHA! The truth comes out

Mandie
What truth?

Andy
You’re on a little spying mission! Just admit it. I’d be cool with it, I get it, you’re looking out for your sista.

Mandie
No it was just an observation as to how you’re alone, and why no girl would ever stay with you because you’re FUCKING impossible to be around

Andy pauses for a second, shaken by Mandie’s comment

Andy
...Harsh

Mandie
Well...

Andy
So is that why you wanted to see me? You couldn’t stand the thought that I was moving on with my life, you needed to remind me about what i wanna forget about most?

Mandie
Andy, no I didn’t...


Andy
-No no no, you’re right. How dare I feel good about myself! This whole false persona I put on like superman’s cape, You know what, I should project what I feel on the inside- I should live in a constant cycle of self doubt and depression, endlessly lamenting the prison of an existence I’ve built for myself, shutting everyone else out, treating everything like material for the stand up routine that has become my life.

Andy stares into Mandie’s eyes like he was trying to find a shortcut to her soul.

Andy
...Desperately searching for anything real, anything tangible, anything that can make me feel as alive as old whathername ever made me feel. like that time we did that thing with the thing, or that time she said that thing, or all the times I came on her face and she tried to kiss me after, and I was all like- ‘ewww girl I don’t even know you like that!’

Mandie
...You’re an asshole

Andy
SURE! But what else is new?! Bro I’ve been standing too long, lets hit up that ice cream spot down the way, I fucks with sprinkles heavy son.

Mandie
okay.

END

Notes: * For Rachel, the character in the script is named Rachel just to make things easier, if you’d like you can change the name to whatever if it’d suit your liking. Also this script is by no means complete and I welcome any input, (jokes, lines, story ideas) you may have to contribute.



title screen fades into INT. hallway ANDY knocking on a door holding a filled LCBO paper bag. RACHEL answers from the other side of the door.

RACHEL (OS)
Coming!

ANDY
(Turns to face camera)
I wish it was that easy for most girls! Well gang it’s a big night! I'm going to be doing the whole socializing thing, and I’ve brought along an entire bottle of liquid arousal to help expedite the copulating process!

ANDY pulls a bottle of vodka out of the LCBO bag

ANDY
I usually don't drink anything stronger than a diet fresca, but I think this is some kind of hard liquor, which is good because beer tastes like its already been in someone else's mouth. to me at least.

ANDY knocks on door

RACHEL (OS)
DUDE! I'm coming!

ANDY
Me and my platonic friend Rachel are going to this house party in the annex with some other people from work. And i'm excited because lord knows seeing them for eight hours at a time in a confined area isn’t nearly enough! Jokes aside I'm super attracted to some of the girls from the office and I figured making a personal appearance at this party wouldn’t hurt the chances of getting my snuggle on

ANDY starts knocking on the door while still facing and talking to the camera

ANDY
And really Im just bringing this booze as a precautionary measure, Im not a particularly rapey kinda guy and I think I can get by without it...

RACHEL answers the door but ANDY’s so preoccupied with talking to the camera he keeps knocking at what he thinks is the door but is actually RACHEL’s shoulder

ANDY
...And besides I can be pretty charming when I wanna be

RACHEL
Are you sure about that?

ANDY doesn’t stop knocking on Rachel’s shoulder but instead slows down and eventually opens his fist and starts feeling around in an exaggerated fashion like a caricature of a blind man, rolling his eyes into the back of his head.

ANDY
Oh my god? could it be? Is it really you!

ANDY smears his hand over Rachel’s face, still doing the blind guy shtick

ANDY
IT IS YOU! Johnson it’s been years!
(Affected stereotypically offensive gay voice) NOW WHIP OUT THAT SWEET COCK AND LETS CATCH UP!

RACHEL smacks ANDY’S hand away. ANDY gets on his knees and opens his mouth wide enough to fit a truck inside, all while still doing the blind guy shtick, eyes rolled into the back of his head and such

RACHEL
This is EXACTLY why you don’t have a girlfriend

ANDY is stubbornly still doing the horny blind guy shtick on his knees

ANDY
LESS TALKING MORE FILLING!
*(Makes a noise like when the doctor tells you to go aaaaaughhh before he shoves the popsicle stick in)

RACHEL takes the bottle of vodka and rams the end into ANDY’s mouth, ANDY then makes a big production pretending to gag

ANDY
So that’s what that feels like! Man did I learn a lesson today!

RACHEL
That’s right! It’s best to warn a girl before you mouth fuck her with a bottle

ANDY springs off his knees

ANDY
Whattya say instead of ramming this bottle up each other’s orifices- which granted DOES have its upsides- what if, instead... we. Drink. out of...it....?

Rachel takes a long pause and stares off into the distance as if the question requires a trip to mecca before having the wherewithal to answer. Then she looks at Andy in an almost revelatory manner.

RACHEL
Yes. YES WE SHOULD!

ANDY nudges RACHEL inside with his index finger

ANDY
Then lets go you GOOF!

INT. Living room. The place isn’t a mess but it’s certainly not neat. ANDY’s laying on a sofa like he’s in therapy, RACHEL is pacing around with her phone agonizing over a message

RACHEL
I don't understand what this text means

ANDY
Life is mysterious

RACHEL
She says ‘I’ll come out.. maybe’ what does that mean?

ANDY
It means you might run into her at the party tonight, or you won't. I think it's pretty cut and dry.

RACHEL
She’s fucking with me! WHY IS SHE FUCKING WITH ME?

ANDY
She’s not fucking with you. She’s being a broad. You’re a dame! You should know that!

RACHEL
It’s like half the sentence is soo positive ‘i’ll come out’ IT'S A DECLARATIVE STATEMENT! then an ellipsis... and then she says ‘MAYBE’. How fucking paradoxical is that?

ANDY
Maybe her engrish not so gude. Maybe you spank till she learn right.

RACHEL
You know what fuck this. im over it. Whatever it is that I thought we were or might be or are, is clearly not what I thought it was or is

ANDY
HUH? … Girl you need to slow down, you know I dont like it when a woman speaks her mind, makes my dick flappy

RACHEL
I really did think we had a good vibe. And she was fucking hot. So hot that I ignored my no girls for a year rule.

ANDY
I havent had any girls for a year but its less of a rule and more a law of nature apparently.

RACHEL
That’s a lie!

ANDY
YA but it was sposed to make you feel better

RACHEL
Well it didn’t!

ANDY
That’s your fault not mine!

RACHEL
UUUUUUGH! Why doesn’t she like me! Am I too butch?


ANDY
Not butch enough in my book. You need a few years on a ranch so you get that baseball glove face only sunlight and heavy lifting gets ya.

RACHEL
Is it my personality?

ANDY
NO! you have a lovely personality. It’s like the beauty queen of personalities. I wanna parade your personality on a stage with a sash and crown and croon a tune about how your personality is the BEST!

RACHEL
Then what? I mean Im cute, im funny

ANDY
Modest

RACHEL
Modest. Cute, funny, modest...

ANDY
Maybe, just maybe... she isn’t that... way

RACHEL
What way

ANDY
That way

ANDY sits up and pours himself a drink from the vodka

RACHEL
No no, she totally is. We had a connection.

ANDY
Did you?

RACHEL
YES... i think...
I’m an idiot.

ANDY
No! No you’re not an idiot. If I didn’t know any better...

RACHEL
You know better?

ANDY


ANDY pours himself another drink. RACHEL sits on the couch next to ANDY and claws at his shirt

RACHEL
CMON! WE’RE BROS U DONT HOLD OUT ON BROS BRO!

ANDY
Well bro, what you don’t know, and what I do know, is that she don’t go- that way... bro

RACHEL
Okay okay, im a big girl you can tell me what you mean without being all doctor seuss about it

ANDY
Okay look, I know you thought she was on that sapphic tip, but she was just a really friendly girl with a short haircut. Who plays softball... Look anyone would have made the same mistake, dont feel bad.

RACHEL
It’s really too late for that. I need to know how you know for sure.

ANDY
well...
we were having a casual conversation one day, and I brought up your particular orientation, and she got weirded out.

RACHEL
weirded out?

ANDY
Yeah apparently the church frowns on your type of behaviour, at least that’s what I heard from her.

RACHEL
… but she was so hot.

ANDY
I know honey

RACHEL
If you knew this the whole time, why did you wait this long to tell me?

ANDY
Because I so value our idle chit chat

RACHEL
If you weren't so good at going down on on vodka bottles Id kill you!

ANDY
But I am so you wont...

ANDY puts his arm around RACHEL and starts pouring her a drink

ANDY
Dont worry kiddo we’re gonna get so shitfaced tonight your gonna fuck the first thing that blinks in your direction

RACHEL
PROMISE!?

ANDY
PROMISE!

RACHEL takes the vodka bottle out of ANDY’s hand and starts chugging out of it


SUPER FIN

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